90.9 WBUR - Boston's NPR news station
Top Stories:
PLEDGE NOW
Bay Buchanan: Life As A Single Mother

Conservative pundit Bay Buchanan. She’s rallying for Romney and talking life as a single mother.

Author Bay Buchanan and her three sons.

Author Bay Buchanan and her three sons.

Bay Buchanan grew up Catholic and conservative and ready to fight for faith and family.  She signed on early with Ronald Reagan.  At 32, she was the country’s youngest-ever Secretary of the Treasury, working for the Gipper as did her famously conservative brother Pat Buchanan. 

She was on her way, now a Mormon, with two sons and a third on the way when her husband walked out.  Suddenly, Bay Buchanan was a single mother, alone, broke, and nothing – conservative or liberal – was working for her. 

This hour, On Point:  hard politics and real life.  Bay Buchanan on toughing it out as a single mom.

-Tom Ashbrook

Guests

Bay Buchanan, author of the new book Bay and Her Boys: Unexpected Lessons I Learned as a (Single) Mother. A senior adviser to Mitt Romney, she served as United States Treasurer in the Reagan Administration.

C-Segment: Mother’s Day

On Mother’s Day, millions of phone calls, cards, gifts, flowers will be sent to deserving women around the country.  Back in 2006, we heard from Santa Fe resident Robert Wilder about why he honors his father on Mother’s Day.

From Tom’s Reading List

Newsweek “Bay Buchanan has waded into the Mommy Wars with characteristic fearlessness, and her take might surprise you. From her time as treasurer of the United States under Ronald Reagan to her work advising GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney, Buchanan’s conservative credentials are gold-plated. Yet in her emotionally powerful new book, Bay and Her Boys, Buchanan rejects an ideological approach to the family.”

Buffalo News “Even Buchanan — the youngest person ever to serve as U.S. treasurer — knows what it’s like to suffer criticism for your mothering, whether it’s because you are single, working or a woman who has chosen to stay home with children.”

Human Events “I was baptized into the conservative movement in the waters of Reagan back in 1976.  In that campaign we had no money, few wins and little prospect.  But none of that mattered.  We had a candidate we believed in with all our heart and soul.”

Excerpt: Bay and Her Boys

from Chapter 4 of Bay and Her Boys

Before kids it all seemed so simple. In my dreams I’d put their clothes out in the morning—clean, fresh, and matching, of course. Then I’d feed them a yummy, nourishing breakfast. The day would be spent in those organized activities that help children develop their talents and social skills. In the evening I’d have them brush their teeth and take baths. And then I’d read to them before bed or they’d read on their own. What was so hard about this?

I couldn’t have been more clueless. Those ideals were too high for any parent. But even reasonable two-parent standards don’t apply if you’re raising kids alone. How could they—there’s only one of you. You can’t do it all, no matter how hard you try. So you have to pick the important stuff and let the rest go. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for failure.

It didn’t take me long to realize that I had to cut my expectations significantly, both the ones for me and the ones for my kids. Clothes on their bodies, food in their stomachs, church on Sundays, school on time—these were reasonable goals. Team sports used up energy, taught great lessons, and reduced idle time. I kept those. Scouts took too much of my time and took me away from the other two. We dropped it and never looked back.

To make this new life work I had to strip parenting down to the basics: no frills or shiny shoes. The boys needed to be fed, yes, but cereal worked fine (even for dinner, when necessary). As for clothes, I was humbled by the way my kids dressed. My priorities were good manners and good grades—the boys’ rooms were a mess, but I learned not to care. They might be ragamuffins, but—what the heck—they never used bad language. I couldn’t fight every battle, so I picked the important ones and let the kids run free of the others.

Bay Buchanan’s Eight Rules for Single Parenting

Rule #1: You’re a Single Mom—Take Charge

It doesn’t matter how you got here, how traumatic the trip has been, or how discouraged you are. What matters is that you are now a single mom. It’s time to stop thinking about the past and to start thinking about your kids. Take charge of your life, so you can take charge of theirs. Their lives hinge on you getting it together.

Rule #2: Let Their Dad Be Their Dad

Children who live with both parents are far more likely to thrive than those who don’t. So give your kids the next best thing—a chance at a close and healthy relationship with their father. Don’t tell them anything that would make them think less of him or feel bad about him. Tell them good things so they are comfortable openly loving him in their own home.

Rule #3: Put Your Kids First

Forget about blocks of time for yourself and high-powered jobs; forget about dating and romantic getaways. Spend your evenings and weekends with your kids. Do whatever it takes to put your kids first in your life. Then keep them there.

Rule #4: Strip Parenting Down to the Basics

Single moms need to forget all thoughts of perfection. You’re one person with the job of two. Cut expectations down to size. Scrap the nonessentials and give your kids what they need the most—time with you.

Rule #5: Give Your Kids a Home to Love

For kids to thrive, their home has to be a place where they are part of something bigger than themselves. Put televisions, computers, and game systems in a family room. Drive your kids out of their bedrooms and into family space. Time together is what makes families, and this happens in the home. It’s your job to see it happens in yours.

Rule #6: Be Their Parent, Not Their Friend

Single moms have to establish—and enforce—rules. Simply talking to them is totally and completely inadequate. In fact, it’s nothing but a cop-out. Your kids need absolutes from you, not chit-chat. Give them clearly defined rules and explain the driving principles behind them. Then enforce them and never stop.

Rule #7: Establish Family Traditions

Traditions establish a familiar and special world for your kids. The traditions you choose for your family will define the culture in which your kids are raised, give direction to their lives, and leave them with precious memories of time together that will last a lifetime.

Rule #8: Love Being Your Kid’s Mom

Every day, look for the joy of being a mom. You’ll find it in the smiles and in the tears you wipe away, in the funny expressions and in the hugs and kisses. Raising kids alone is enormously challenging—and at times brutally difficult. But it’s the most amazing job you’ll ever have—and the most crucial.

Please follow our community rules when engaging in comment discussion on this site.
  • Gregg

    I will not miss this show.

    • gay christ

       i will

    • Brett

      I might listen to it, but I won’t “miss” it if I don’t!

  • Joe

    Maybe Bay Buchanan could be the first female VP?  She would be an excellent choice.

    • The perfect person–republican

       or NOT

      republicans–the Unintelligent Party.  America under republicanism–led by big dummies.  is that really what America needs?  the world?  To be led by patriarchal dummies that believe in 10, 0000 year old unscientific, uneducated, un-thinking, xenophobic war-loving ideas? really?  So barbaric.

      if a person can go their whole life as a republican and never evolve, never reach a higher plane of awareness–that says a lot about somebody–they never use their brain, and less their heart–like vegetables.  A party of potato heads.  Grow up.  Evolve for Christ’s sake!

    • Chris B

       Compared to what?

    • Terry Tree Tree

      Because she had ALL the advantages?  PRIVILEDGED Class?
          Republicans are obviously desperate for candidates as cowardly, insincere, GREEDY, and HYPOCRITICAL, as ‘W’?
      WHY?

  • Hidan

    Interesting, must of been nice being a government worker while raising children. Than to make ones money off of the government is clearly boot-straps to success.

    That my friend is an Gold-plated conservative. How much does a United States Treasurer?

    If the below charts are correct the median is close to 200k, starting is 120k

    http://www.chacha.com/question/how-much-do-people-who-work-for-the-us-treasurer-get-paid

    http://www1.salary.com/Treasurer-salary.html

    How about A senior adviser ?

    • Hidan

       How much does a United States Treasurer make?

      • Brett

        Yes, thee government has beeen berry, berry goood to her! Gold plated on our tax dollars…

  • Chris B

    “I was baptized into the conservative movement in the waters of Reagan”

    I just spit up in my mouth a little bit. . .

    • U.S. Vet.

      Interesting,

      A lot of people get that same reaction whenever the President gives a speech.

      • Chris B

        Hopefully if the VA gets some more funding they’ll be able to do something about that closed head injury of yours.  At least get you on some better meds.

        • U.S. Vet.

          It’s nice to see that you have internet access in the state correctional facility that you’re being housed in Chris B.

          I would advise you not to drop your soap when you’re in the communal showers, but for you, that’s obviously the high-light of your day.

          • Chris B

            Nice.  But seriously, I came back to apologize. In retrospect my comment was absolutely over the line, tasteless and uncalled for.  My apologies again and thanks for your service.

          • hail, lord mother

             no.  I do not thank you.  You are the problem with the world.  We need less vets.  Support the troops –and you support Fascism and genocide, infanticide, and suicide.  You did not serve anyone except your corporate thug masters.  You area fool.

          • U.S. Vet.

            I apologize as well.

            My comments were disrespectful and in bad taste.

            Peace.

          • gay christ

             ur an idiot

        • Chris

          It’s rare to see two individuals cross the line and then immediately admit they were wrong. You both deserve kudos for something that used to be commonplace.

  • Terry Tree Tree

    MOST ‘churches’, and some states, require women to keep the last name of their children, even after divorce, EXCEPT after they re-marry!
       Pat Buchannan’s SISTER?  Surprised?
       THAT connection, alone, gave her a BIG advantage that other single custodial parents DON’T have!
      Her values, sports OVER Scouting, says a LOT.
      Cereal for ALL meals? 
      Personally, as a single, custodial parent, of about the same time, she seems superficial and political.
       She can speak for ALL the Republican single-mothers, that have HIGH political connections, get GOOD political jobs, and MANY other advantages, but average single mothers?

    • Sam

      Terry! Good to hear from you!

      Happy mother’s day to you!

      I didn’t get that she fed cereal to her kids for dinner ALL the time,
      but I do agree, that sometimes, cereal for dinner works just fine. Not
      all the time, but occasionally it’s ok. In fact my kid LOVES oatmeal and
      as much so, as he would probably eat it for diner lunch and breakfast
      any day of the week, if he had a choice. So sometimes, oatmeal for
      dinner is ok with me, rather than take out pizza or chinese or McD’s. In
      fact, we have never ever eaten at a fast food place, so …

      And I think sports or scouts is fine. As long as kids ARE involved into
      some kind of a group activity, as long as parents do take interest in
      what the kids are doing, as long as parents are participating.

      But obviously, this woman lives in a way way WAY different world as the
      rest of us single parents. Just one difference is that from the sound of
      it, their other parent was at least partially involved, which makes
      single parent’s life way way different and easier, especially if the
      other parent is SANE and somewhat agreeable.

      So, … it’s hard to hear some high and mighty GODLY woman speak of all
      her “troubles and tribulations”.

      I know, as well as you know, her life
      would be way different if she didn’t have all the money and job safety
      and security that she does have.

      Maybe she can speak of that or Tom can
      ask.

      How she feels her job aided her to be a better parent.

      How many
      sick/vacation days did she have/could take.

      Was there someone else to
      watch her sick children, take them to doctor’s appointments, etc.

      I am
      sure she had a sleuth of help, that she could comfortably afford with
      her wealth. Which doesn’t make her an average single mom. Very far from
      it.

      Maybe she can also elaborate on the fact that a lot of single mothers out there, rely on government funded programs to help them get out of poverty and deal with THEIR troubles. Like govt tax refund for children, medicare/medicaid, child insurance from the state, govt funded housing for the homeless (mostly single) parents, fighting addiction, govt sponsored day care and rent, etc.

      All these programs that Republicans want to cut funding to. Sometimes, selfless workers in these non-for-profit organizations are the only safety net that single parents have and the only help they can turn to to simply survive.

      Maybe she can also elaborate on how she never had to worry about her rent or weather her kids would have food or clothes, or if their dad would hurt them. There is just so many things that her all-mighty and powerful rules do not cover.

      How about the fact that many single parents out there, can’t even afford scouts or sports for their kids?!

      • Sam

         I do agree with you on the last name though!

        Any parent, at least in NY, can file for children’s last name change, and the judge gets to decide what is in the best interest of the child. Unless the name change gets handled during the divorce proceedings.

        There are a number of conditions the court is SUPPOSED to consider, but the biggest one being – the other party/parent agreement.

        So, … who knows what happened there with the last name change.

        I was able to change my kid’s last name because the “father” didn’t object to the name change, meaning – he didn’t show up for the hearing.

      • Terry Tree Tree

        Thanks Sam!  Happy Mothers’ Day to you, too!

            You see the same type of things questionable in this lady’s listed comments, that I do.   MOST single-custodial-parents DON’T have the advantages she did, yet SHE is presented as a ‘struggling-single-mother?
           My children had some cereal for supper, too, usually at their request, occassionally.   I just questioned the way she put it.
           My keeping quiet about their mother, caused my children some SERIOUS problems, that still do, in their adulthood.  NOT sure how I could have done it much different.
            WILL she speak out FOR the average single-mother?   Doesn’t sound like it?

        • Sam

          Don’t beat yourself up about what you could have done differently, it is not going to do anyone any good, not you nor your kids.

          Starting the conversation with your kids about the issues they may have, which may or may not have anything to do with their mother being MIA and what they feel/felt, and what you felt/feel/thought, that maybe the best way to move forward and help you and your kids be happier, more content adults.

          I didn’t have a dad growing up and my step-dad did little parenting, and most of what he did, in fact turned out more damaging.

          My child is only 2 now, so he isn’t aware of all those issues, but I am already haunted by what I am going to say when the questions arise.

          This past December he mentioned “dad” not being there. And it broke my heart.
          But the best I think I could have done in that situation is say “He lives far away.”
          It is true.
          But I couldn’t even add that his father loves him, because that would be a speculation on my part.
          So, I have ALL THAT still ahead of me and god help me to do the best I can.

          And I know that you did the best you could.
          Sometimes, not saying anything rather than badmouthing the other “parent” IS the best that you can do. :)
          You sound like a good parent and the last segment about calling dad on Mother’s day made me think of you and your story. :)

          I hope you have a good weekend.

          • Sam

            Oh, and to add to the anguish, the “ex” blamed me for our child growing up without a dad.

            So … as hard as it is, not to say all the horrible things about your ex, I am trying my best to be neutral and always tell him the truth.

            But the truth is so different, from my point of view and the ex’s.
            :)

            So, my only hope is that my son grows up and thinks for himself, and I will do my hardest to be supportive of his wishes.

          • Terry Tree Tree

            SO TYPICAL, for the one doing wrong, to blame the one doing good!
               If he was abusive, physically, OR verbally, OR mentally, he would probably be so with your son!
               Raise your son with the truth, and love.  The odds are VERY much in your favor!
             
            Good Life and Good Luck

          • Terry Tree Tree

            Children NEED the truth, in the smallest amounts you can give them at a time, about anything, and everything!  If they ask for more, give them more truth.
               “I don’t know”, is the truth, when you don’t know.  If they need to know, tell them you’ll try to find out, then do so.
               Children are bundles of unconditional love, and ENERGY.
               That love allows you to have faults, NOT  know EVERYTHING, and be a bundle of love, in return.
                I envy you the 2 year-old, and the adventure ahead, complete with delights, and problems.  ENJOY!
              Only my fourth grandchild is younger than 2.  My adventures started anew!  I cannot be with them, as much as I like, but I ENJOY them, when with them, as I did, and do my children.

  • Sam

    You know … this makes me sad.

    I am a single mom.
    I just took two of my last three (until the end of May) painfully saved vacation days off, yesterday and the day before, because my child was running a fever. Took him to the doctor’s office on Tuesday and ER on Wednesday. He has croup. He is doing better now, so I am back at work today and checked him into day care this morning, even though he is not 100% well.

    I have to save all my vacation time, for just in case my child gets sick, because, as I found out this time around, NO ONE wants to watch your sick child, not your friends, not even paid babysitters.

    We don’t have ANY family in the area, and not that they would help even if they were around.

    You want to talk about being single mom?
    Try making it in our situation.

    As hard as our life is, I think we are blessed.

    I have a job, which means that I have health insurance and able to pay rent and car maintenance and gas and get food and clothes. Not fancy stuff, but an apartment in a safe area and able to pay for day care and ER room co-pays. Our car runs, I am healthy and my son is healthy. Anything else – is a luxury.

    I know that we are way way better off than some single moms out there.

    Some don’t have jobs, some don’t have a place of their own, some don’t have even the basic belief that they are good enough and strong enough to “MAKE IT”. Some are still getting out of abusive relationships, fighting custody battles, fighting poverty and addiction, all the while trying their best to be good parents.

    It is sad, that onpoint and Tom would pick this woman to profile on Mother’s Day, and “represent” single moms.

    Just sad.

    • http://www.fibrowitch.net Jan Dumas

      I wish they would interview YOU instead of her.

      • Terry Tree Tree

        My thoughts, too!

      • Sam

        Thank you.
        But I heard stories of women so worse off than me, than I would want THEM to share their stories with others.

        Women getting shot and stabbed by their exes. Women forced to live under the same roof as their physically and verbally abusive to them and children husbands, women whose children were taken away from them and them trying their best to fight the system and see their kids.

        There is so much pain and suffering out there, it breaks my heart.

        We are way way better off than most and I thank god/universe/mom/whatever … for where we are.

        Of course, that would not be representative of all single mothers out there either.
        There are single parents who didn’t come from an abusive marriage, and who deal with totally different set of issues.

        Believe me, it is a good thing, if children have both parents together, and it is the next best thing when parents are split up, for whatever reason, but can still “parent together” and be there – both of them – for their kids.
        And the next best thing after that, one parent being present and aware and responsible and taking care of his/her kids etc.

        Best of luck to all y’all single moms out there.
        No matter what situation you are all in, it is a hard life and a hard job, but oh so rewarding. :)

    • Happyhippybaby

      Definitely! And I would even say *most* jobs that single moms are gettingdon’t even have medical benefits or vaccation pay.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1421666010 Wilbur Blount

    Why would anyone want to listen to this?

    • Terry Tree Tree

      Comic Relief?  ‘Conservative HYPOCRICY’? 

  • Terry Tree Tree

    Quite a lot of hypocricy in her 8 rules, if you read them as a single-parent!
       Hypocricy from a ‘Conservative Pundit’?  Who would have thought?   ‘Family Values’ Rush Limbaugh has been married FOUR times, or more?  Which ‘Family Values’ does he keep getting WRONG?
       Did she commit FRAUD (Doctor Shop), MANY times, like the ‘most-popular’ ‘Conservative Pundit’?

  • been there

    I like her mommy-ing style.  Here’s to back to basics and remembering what’s important.  I have been in a similar position both as the child and as the parent (though with many more financial hurdles) and her words ring true.

    I don’t think she’s badmouthing scouts, just giving an example of the thought process of choosing priorities and how hard it can be.

    The proof is in the pudding…..how did her boys turn out?

    • Sam

       I don’t think your children’s success speaks of the kind of parent you are.

      Sometimes, you can do all that is in your power to be the best parent you can be, including doing all those things this woman advocates for, and your kids may still not “succeed” (whatever that means).

      Just my opinion.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_Y6CO5C2HE4WM2OYGCDVWGPRXXM oldman

    Well, if we take a conservative standpoint, she should be held at fault for damaging her children by raising them in a single parent household. It’s interesting she supports an ideology that considers her choices to just be wrong.

    • Tncanoeguy

      Sounds like it wasn’t a choice.  Do some women choose to be single mothers?  I guess so. 

      • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_Y6CO5C2HE4WM2OYGCDVWGPRXXM oldman

         It often not a choice – but conservative theology faults the moms just the same.

      • Terry Tree Tree

        Usually, it’s a choice, MADE by the sperm-donor!

      • Stillin

        well some cannot take being treated like shit anymore, if you want it in the venacular…you know…they kind of feel like, possibly, the world is a kinder one than the one they are currently experiencing with their “husband”…you  know…oh by the words on that post I doubt this is anything you are going to be relating to…but give it time…you just may find yourself in THEIR position.

  • J__o__h__n

    Why is she vacationing on public lands? 

  • Terry Tree Tree

    She was Treasurer of the U.S., 32, WHEN she got married?  BEFORE she had children?
       She had NO money?  With that job?  How BAD was she with her money?   OUR money?   WHY?
        GOOD GRIEF!  She had it SO MUCH BETTER, than I had guessed!
        Sounds like SO MUCH Republican HYPOCRICY!

  • MarkVII88

    Ms. Buchanan admittedly didn’t have basically any money at the time right after she became a single mother of 3.  But she still had an enormous leg-up.  She was the Treasurer of the USA, this means that she obviously had lived a life with access to higher education and enough opportunities to allow that level of success.  With her education and tough job that required enormous emotional resilience, she was in possession of the maturity and critical thinking skills that many (I would say typical) single moms likely don’t have.

  • IsaacWalton

    I don’t understand how she was broke. She must have been making 6 figures as treasurer.

    • Tom

      It was a government job dude. And besides, she was unemployed when she got divorced.

  • http://www.fibrowitch.net Jan Dumas

    I know a few single mothers with children who slept in their car for reasons not involving a camping trip. This is an insult to most single parents struggling to make ends meet.

    • Tom

      Bay was unemployed when she first got divorced. What are you talking about?

      • Sam

         Did she sleep in the car with her children?

        • Stillin

          possibly if it was a bmw with a fifth wheel attached…when life gets sour, just make some lemonade…YOU know. it’s just so hard for some.

      • Stillin

        She’s talking about elitism, about privledge, about how “hard” it was for BayBay, is nothing near how f hard it is for most others. Cannot even compare the two…the life of the privledges, vs. life on the plantation…you know. I hope you get it.

    • Stillin

      Ditto I couldn’t agree more. Miss Baybay does not represent, you know.

  • Terry Tree Tree

    SHE’s SELLING a book, WHINING about how bad she had it?  With ALL the advantages she had? 
      If she had the average single-mother’s life, she would have committed suicide!

    • Terry Tree Tree

      Like Mitt WHINING that his wife only has two Caddilacs?

  • Heather

    Ditto, didn’t Ms. Buchanan’s ex-husband provide financial support?

  • Sam

    There is no such thing as 9 to 5.
    There is such thing as 9 to 6 though.
    Or 8 to 5.

    Welcome to real life.

    And what if you don’t have a relative or friend or anyone to watch your kids while you’re getting that degree?!

    And the training and such, are govt supported, how does she explain her Republican position on trying to cut those off!?

    • Tom

      Sam, you make some good points about the increasing hours in today’s work environment. I would only add that there are many volunteer organizations who provide the kind of support you are referring to. A lot of times people don’t realize this fact and simply rely on government. While government can and should provide some support (and Republicans believe this too), we should rely more heavily on the kind people running the volunteer organizations.

      • Sam

        I am fully aware of the power of volunteers, as I used to volunteer for 3 different organizations before I became pregnant.
        First. Second.

        At these non-for-profit and govt funded programs, ALL people who work there, get paid bare minimum. And I consider part of their work – volunteerism as well. They do it, because they BELIEVE, that life in public service is a well-lived life. Just ask any public defendant or meal-on-wheels supervisor. :)

        I contribute and support such programs as much as I can, with my money and free work.

        As I agree with your point that we should rely on these non-for-profit organizations MORE, for example in our city, the SPCA – non-govt-funded org vs Animal City Shelter IS better run and more efficient and animals look healthier and better taken care of. So I do believe in non-for-profit orgs vs 100% govt funding. But. Until the poor and unfortunate, able to solely rely on such organizations, WE still need govt support.

        Somewhere I heard “the country is judged not by how it treats it’s well-offs, but by how it treats those who are disabled and unable to take care of themselves”

      • bellavida

        Volunteer organizations to help care for children? What are you talking about?  

  • Sam

    Round and Round she goes … avoiding the question.

  • Sam

    Maybe she can watch my child, while I get the extra training!

  • J__o__h__n

    Why didn’t her children get jobs cleaning the bathrooms at school?  What would Newt say? 

  • Tncanoeguy

    How does she feel about the Paul Ryan budget?  

  • IsaacWalton

    Did she just promote the STATE helping single mom’s? Oh boy…William J Benett just smirked.

  • Thinkin15

    I think that the majority of single mothers do the best they can with their circumstances. Unfortunately, most low wage earners and the struggle is much harder for basics. It isn’t about climbing the corporate ladder it’s about getting and hanging on to your middle class job and having day care that doesn’t drain all your earnings or leave your children in a bad environment.

  • Julia

    This show should be re-named: Being a 1% Single Mom. I don’t think  this woman’s experience jives with most single mother’s who don’t make 6 figure incomes. She does have good intentions, though, and is well meaning.

    • Terry Tree Tree

      We HOPE she means well, and will CHANGE her attitude, to REALITY?
         Doesn’t sound like she knows much reality, to me!

      • notafeminista

        Because your perceived reality is from a male’s point of view.

        • Terry Tree Tree

          As an abandoned parent with children, I had to be BOTH parents, and protect my children.  I did the nurturing, first aid, laundry, cooking, cleaning, mending, auto repair, teaching sports, shopping, bathing, explaining why Mommy wasn’t there for them, playing, insuring homework, helping with school projects, job hunting, bread-winning, coddling when they were hurt, watching their performances in sports and plays, and hundreds of other things that single custodial parents should, and usually try to do!
              Male’s point of view?  Both, I think.  You’ll see it as you see it.

          • notafeminista

            Are you implying that some of the responsibility you had raising your children was actually women’s work?

  • Sam

    To answer Amanda’s question/statement .. on she doesn’t know how anyone makes it?

    IT REALLY SUCKS.

    We have no family and no friend’s support.

    The only support I found was through a local YWCA, which is govt funded. They help single moms and women with legal counseling, childcare, food pantry, housing, counseling for abuse and parenting, and THIS WOMAN wants to cut that funding.

    Applause!

  • Cate02152

    I’ve missed some of this…but did she receive child support? 
     

    • Jen

      No, she didn’t receive any child support.

      • Terry Tree Tree

        WHY NOT?

  • Mimi Johnston

    I grew up in a big Catholic family, as well.  My older brother was the one who divorced his wife and constantly made life miserable for her and the kids.  She has handled it with unbelievable grace for nearly ten years now.  While my brother brought one girlfriend after another into the kids’ lives, my sister-in-law has been an inspiration to us all, putting her daughters first, establishing firm boundaries for them, working tirelessly, and participating in family events. She has become a true daughter/sister to the rest of us and we couldn’t be more proud of her.

    • zendegy

      I hope she has some identity other than being a woman who sacrificed all but motherhood because a man left her in such a difficult position. There is more to every woman than motherhood – or at least I hope there is, for everyone’s sake.

      • notafeminista

        Why?

  • Loay

    The platitudes of the clueless. She has no idea reality of most people who constitute the majority of this society 

  • Terry Tree Tree

    NOT dating, at all, can easily cause building resentment, lack of example of normal social interactions for the children, and other problems!

    • Terry Tree Tree

      Explains some of her warped views.  “I sacrificed EVERYTHING for my kids!”  VICTIM Mommy!

      • Sam

        The fact that she wasn’t even willing to acknowledge the fact that her RULES aren’t written in stone. That they should be taken, like anything as a guide, and possibly with heavy doze of salt/judgement, that dating may work for some in some situations … especially after Rashid’s call – is a testament to Rebublican’s rigid mentality and unwillingness to see anther’s point of view as also valid. Dogmatic and fanatical.

        Sigh.

  • U.S. Vet.

    Bay Buchanan’s eight rules make a lot of sense.

    I’m looking forward to seeing common sense back in the White House (after a three year absence), with the new administration, in November of this year.

    • northeaster17

      I hope you are not callin the 8 previous years to the Obama admin “common sense”. Very distorted

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HUHWX4TIAZRFNFYCWUE43OZDUQ 7LeagueBoots

       Yes, I too am looking forward to the new Obama administration.

    • zendegy

      I’m guessing you are not a single mother…

    • Terry Tree Tree

      COMMON SENSE?  Three years ago, in the White House?  WHERE?  A DESERTER?  AWOL?  CUTTING TAXES AND STARTING EXPENSIVE WARS?  BUDGET SURPLUS TO BIGGEST DEFICIT?   BROKEN SIMPLE PHRASES?  LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE WORLD?  HYPOCRICY?

      • Chris B

        Go easy on him.  The teabags in congress won’t give the VA enough money to get him the meds he needs.

        • U.S. Vet.

          Yeah, that money got diverted so you could could stay in Head Start.

          • Terry Tree Tree

            Congressional self-raises!  Look what no unions can do!  ONLY with those that CONTROL the money, and jobs, though!

    • hail, lord mother

       so you will vote green?  smart move.  Romney is a goofy puppet.  if we have to have a puppet in our fake democracy–i will keep the obama puppet.  he at least makes sense, even if he doesn’t do enough to put loudmouth idiot republicans in their place, end the murderous wars responsible for terror, and shut big oil up.

      Mr. murderer vet–you would be better off realizing republican and democrat is the same thing–two sides of the same coin–to please murderous fools like you and uninformed faux-progressives–’liberals’ on the other side.

  • Terry Tree Tree

    HOW MANY ‘conservative institutions’  of the Federal Government, has SHE advocated eliminating?
       As Treasurer, did she give financial help to ANY WASTEFUL Republican-backed entities?
       SUBSIDIES to Oil, Coal, Gas, and Nuclear Energy corporations, that made PROFITS that should satisfy ANY company’s bottom line?

    • Sam

      I do agree that govt is too big and needs cuts.

      I advocate for cuts to the military and rich people’s and corporation’s taxes.
      Not to education and health, art and mental health, etc programs.

  • Tncanoeguy

    Discussions of what the federal and state governments should do always remind me of the disparity of what particular states pay in federal taxes and what they receive.  Folks in MA should favor lowering federal taxes – they’ll be better off.  States like Alabama and Mississippi will be the ones to suffer.
    http://www.taxfoundation.org/blog/show/1397.html

  • Bridget

    I disagree with her comment regarding not having a life without the children.  If my ex hadn’t taken the kids every other weekend I don’t think I would have made it.  I needed “me” time so badly at the end of those two weeks after working 60 hours/wk and taking care of two toddlers.  Even if it was just a quiet weekend alone with a good book and bubble baths it did wonders for my parenting skills – I was refreshed and fueled up for the next two weeks.

    • Beta

      I agree. Our culture sometimes seem to reinforce the notion that children must always be the center of our lives, and our sole reason for existing. No pressure.

      • Stillin

        people, talk to the teachers who teach them, the kids who have been raised as the center of the universe, and you will KNOW why new teachers leave the “profession” within 5 years of teaching….

    • Sam

       Believe me, all the rest of the REAL (thinking) parents out there, absolutely agree with you, that as a parent, single or not, mom or dad, you NEED alone/me time.
      And that it makes you a better parent and your family stronger. Devoting 100% of your time/effort/attention to one thing is like putting all your eggs in one basket. And what happens to that woman/man when their only source of happiness and attention is gone, off to college? They are completely destroyed and unable to take care of themselves. It doesn’t work, not matter what that source of your happiness and attention is – children, husband, work, etc. Everyone NEEDs a well rounded life, friends, family, kids, work, hobbies, me time, etc.
      :)

  • Kara

    I was raised by a single mother, and I absolutely appreciate all of the sacrifices she made for me. I take issue, however, with the idea that single mothers must totally sacrifice themselves for their children. My mother did not date and has never dated. As a result, she unintentionally treated me like a spouse. When it came time for me to break away from this relationship, she had a VERY difficult time accepting that I was suddenly attached to someone else. We have spent years of my adult life not talking because of this co-dependency. There’s got to be a balance between a non-dating life and weekend sleepovers every weekend.

    • zendegy

      amen. i wish you both a healthier road ahead.

    • Stillin

      I’m really glad I don’t want to date, there is noone up here to date, it’s rednecks, hunters, hunters, and rednecks…so really, it’s very easy to just go to bed with a good book.

      • Terry Tree Tree

        I regret that you have no selection in men to date.  Time with an adult, that you are attracted to, or is interesting, and interested, can be very pleasurable.

  • Thinkin15

    It’s the hypocrisy of the “Christian right” that gets me. I know personally several of them who left their marriages, and caused their wives to become single mothers. Why is all the blame and responsibility for marriage put on women?! Just look at the politicians (right and left) who have affairs, ‘hike the Appalachian Trail’, and put their wives and children in that position. Then they demonize the welfare mothers.

    • notafeminista

      It would be interesting to know how the evolution of no fault divorces affected your friends’ husbands to cause their wives to become single mothers.

      • Terry Tree Tree

        Men abandoned their families LONG before there was no-fault divorce!

        • notafeminista

          Not in the numbers they do now.

  • Stillin

    I am a single mom, happy. I chose to be a single mom after getting a std from my husband, after he cashed our income tax return check and lied about it, after I had heard the last rude comment directed at me, too thin, too fat, too this too that, after he made fun of one of our children, favored one, and completely abandoned the last. So, to  all  you “you chose it” F right I did. To the people who say ”  YOU married him, why did you have 3 kids with him if…blahblahblah” Why? Because over the course of 25 years he got WORSE, I got BETTER. Less dependent to be exact. Do I feel bad that my kids got damaged by a bad dad, and no dad? Yes. Am I glad I don’t have to deal with him? Yes. We don’t talk, my choice, he owes me 100,000 in BACK CHILD SUPPORT.  Oh, I will hear it from those NOT in my shoes. I know not talking is damaging, everything related to this dad is damaging OK? That we all know. So, here’s the present. I am fine, the kids are fine, the pets are fine, we are not in foreclosure, I have a very good position that doesn’t pay great, but good. We are all free from a tyrant. I will publish my own book, “Living Great on Nothing”, buy my book.

    • zendegy

      Yay for You!!!! I hope you get the good luck I did; my kids’ father died and i FINALLY got child support!!! He did nothing for them when they were alive, except donate some chromosomes. But death made him responsible in a way he never felt himself to be in life.

      • Stillin

        Well since we are LEGALLY STILL MARRIED, God willing, I will possibly make out like a bandit, should I outlive him, ….inshallah, god willing, marshallah, if god wills it, not Arabig but I love those two words…

    • Terry Tree Tree

      Go Lady, Go!!  Much of what you describe is my ex-wife!  My children are living proof, that my choice to raise them, was the best option, for them. 
         Hearing about her boyfriends, WITHOUT me dating, any, would have made me a resentful, and possibly abusive , unhappy person, NOT a parent!
        HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, TO ALL MOTHERS, FEMALE, OR MALE!

    • Mamma2lila

      I’ll buy your book! ;) 

      My daughter’s father doesn’t want to be a father, that’s not my fault. He’s $14k in arrears, and I don’t even care anymore. I don’t want his money. 

      • Stillin

        Well my “husband” makes a ton of money, and maybe I will eventually receive some, to give to my kids for their student loans and to help them…in the meantime, I try hard to eat well, bust stress, talk to my kids a lot, and live the right life…I walk the line you know, and I am HAPPY to walk it…and time will tell, as it always does, who will pay up.

      • Terry Tree Tree

        When your child reaches 18, the CHILD can file for the owed child-support, in Tenn.  I told mine that, and left it to go after their mother’s arrears child-support, if they wanted to.   We made it, without her money.

    • Stillin

      My book, which is half written, is by NTYO. Not bad considering I commute two hours a day, teach 90 kids a day in art which TAKES energy, have my own kids, mow my lawn with a quiet push mower, chop my wood with a chipping ax for the fireplace, run my dogs, work out at the gym and cook from scratch….I must say, I am ok with it being half written, when it comes out, it’s going to be titled ” How to live really well, on nothing”. I am doing allright, I have been to London twice, bringing everyone with me, I have been to the Caribbean 7 times, usually alone, and I make less than 50G a year…and I have a super home, old, but cool. Perfect. Planning an African safari for next summer. I don’t party.

  • J__o__h__n

    I agree with many of the points she is making but in typical conservative fashion she is seeking to impose them on everyone else. 

    • notafeminista

      Really? How so? 

  • Kay

    I’m sorry, but the notion that a single mom has to make her entire life revolve around her children is ridiculous. Part of the problem with children today is they are being made to believe they are the center of the universe and are never asked to learn to do anything for themselves. Asking that a woman give up any hope of love for herself — and by that I mean the love of a partner, not her children — for up to 18+ years is cruel and unreasonable.

    • zendegy

      After all, we don’t ask the married woman to deny her attentions to her husband, do we? It’s part of the way we constrain women by making them sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. I am sick of that  being what it means to be a woman!

  • Mark

    She’s right.  Kid’s first! No time for romance. And, obviously, the sacrifices and difficulties apply not only to single mothers, but SINGLE FATHERS!

    • Terry Tree Tree

      I STRONGLY disagree!  FEW single-custodial-parents, can mentally, and emotionally handle being totally immersed in a children-ONLY life!  I’m sure that HONEST, OBJECTIVE studies would bear out my own observations!

  • Stephanie

    Though I strongly disagree with much of her other advice to single mothers, I loudly applaud Bay for her handling of her children’s relationship with their father. I’ve been a divorced mother of three and I consider this to be the most important advice for parents in this situation.   Not only don’t badmouth him, but take it a (albeit very difficult) step further and carry on the role that you would have, had you stayed married, where you compliment his talents to them, point out positive characteristics they share with their father, tell them stories you know about his youth and his family.  Children’s self esteem is strongly tied to how they view their parents — he is a part of them.  Make sure they know the good stuff.  I am SO glad to know that she is giving this advice. 

    • zendegy

      What if dad is a real deadbeat, never showing up for time with them when he says he will, even taking money from their  bank accounts? I don’t lie to my kids (as far as is humanly possible) and certainly not to deny what they can see for themselves. Why should I  be a cheerleader for a man who doesn’t do right by them?!

      • notafeminista

        If you can’t say anything nice, then say nothing at all.  Allow your children the freedom to see their father as he is, not as you perceive him to be.

        In other words, be an adult.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_Y6CO5C2HE4WM2OYGCDVWGPRXXM oldman

    I can understand what she’s saying about kids and time, especially when they are younger, but as they get older they need to see their single parent model relationships for them.

    • zendegy

      exactly!! i realized, as my kids got older, that i was way too much of a  burden for them if i had nothing else in my life but them. THEY pushed me to date!! they’re my favorite people, still, but i love my boyfriend and my friends and the people i helped my girls become!

    • Thinkin15

       I agree that at some point the children benefit when they see their mother rebound and not look like they shun all men after divorce. It shows strength and gives kids a better role model.

  • Carletondrichardson

    I lived through this situation, my dad died when I was 8 my brother was eleven months. My mom blamed god for leaving her in her situation and took it out on me as the oldest. I was not allowed to date in high school or in college. Now I’m 40 single never been married never had a real girlfriend. My brother is married but no plans on kids. I think not having relations with others can send the wrong message to your kids.

    • Terry Tree Tree

      My sympathy, and empathy, to you and your brother.  I hope you can get good counselling, to get you over the obvious trauma, and help you have a healthy, pleasant, fulfilling, meaningful, relationship, or more!

  • Rdillis

    Ms Buchanan is DELUSIONAL. Society is NOT supportive of the most vulnerable among us- single mothers and children are our highest population in hunger and need. She is living in a different America than a poor woman of color trying to get to work to feed her family. I wonder if she’s ever taken a bus to or from work in the wee hours of the morning? Or is the Treasury department a 9 to 5 job. GIVE ME A BREAK

    • Stillin

      Right on Rdillis…I bet Mrs.Baybay never had a potato banquet…you know, you have one potato, you’re really hungry, maybe you have butter, you hope, salt and pepper is always nice, maybe cheese probably not…that potato better be reeeeeally good because tonight it is dinner, for 4.

  • Kirstin Seleen

    It comes down to resources (aka money). Single mothers can do an excellent job if they can be present for the kids and still provide for them. However, unless you are independently wealthy that is not very likely. Jobs that are flexible and pay enough to support a family are largely lacking if not entirely missing in our society. Friends of ours from Europe who are living here temporarily are aghast at how little the US values professional women and raising families with the values your guest is espousing.  

    • Sam

      I think Tom needs to do a show on that.
      The differences between EU and US treatment of single mothers and children.
      That would be a great show!
      Would get a lot of responses. :)

      Thank you for bringing up this point.

      It should cover the maternity leave, paid/non-paid, or non-existent, etc.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_HUHWX4TIAZRFNFYCWUE43OZDUQ 7LeagueBoots

    She means well, but she winds up sounding selfish.  It sounds like she is more concerned with her perceived role as a mother than her children’s life.

    I am an only child of a single mom and speaking from that perspective it is important for children to have their own time, to not be stifled by someone perpetually hovering, and to have the freedom to learn on their own.  This is something that has been lost in this country and it is a shame.

  • Jamesdthompson

    God Bless Bay and her brother Pat.  While I disagree with both of them politically my encounters with them in New Hampshire over several election cycles were always full of laughs and they are both good life enjoying Irish folk.  However, Bay you are slipping back into a judging kind of conservative.   No dating, no life.  Come on.  If my single Mom-who I often saw go without meals so my brother & I could eat-didn’t have friends, end up remarrying to a wonderful man and work her way up in the Raytheon Corp. because of me I would feel devastaded that I cost her so much in life.  I know, and always knew, she loved us both and we were always first, but she had a need for life with us in it.

    By the way Bay, a side poltical question how can Republicans vote for a guy who denies voting for Ronald Reagan as Romney has?

    Jim T.
    Fort Mill,SC

  • BHA in Vermont

    Oh PLEASE!
    NO “neighbor down the street” will support you as well as a life partner, homosexual or heterosexual.

    • Beta

      She’s suffering from congnitive dissonance, poor thing.

    • notafeminista

      Not according to all the single moms right here on this forum who were apparently abandoned or mistreated by their life partner.

  • Daniel

    Wages are so crummy, many married couples can’t afford to stay home and raise children. Should married people sacrifice employment in order to be home with their kids? My wife and I are trying, but it’s difficult to pay our modest bills with one of us at home.

  • Babette’s Feast

    Catholic maddona-idol martyrdom. Do you we think the Catholic church would support divorced mothers? Don’t get me started!

    I’ll bet as US Treasurer, this woman had a lovely pension.

    • Primo

      Babette’s Feast was a really lousy movie, much like your blog.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_PQMA7AQGWSWK4GV3UOK3LZJU4Q econruth

    I’m so frustrated by this conversation!   She has NEVER known what it is to be a poor single mom in this country.  She didn’t have any money when her husband left her?  Ask her Tom!  What was in her bank account?  That’s like Romney saying he didn’t make that much money last year with an income in the six figures. 

    What could truly help struggling single Moms?
    A health care system not tied to your job.
    A minimum wage that is a living wage.
    Well funded public schools and after school programs.
    More money for Pell grants for post high school training.
    Affordable day care.
    More realistic paid leave so she doesn’t have to take vacation days when her kids get sick and a boss who doesn’t discriminate because she is 1) a woman and 2) a mother. 

    • Tom

      Econ

      You make some interesting points about ways to help single moms. While I would completely agree that there are recently divorced men and women in worse financial positions than Bay, that still doesn’t change the fact that the lady was out of a job for multiple years at the time of her divorce. 

    • Beta

      Having been a regular listener to this show, I find that Tom is sometimes more deferential than necessary to his guests, in my opinion. Though at least he made her squirm a little on gay marriage.

    • Beta

      Having been a regular listener to this show, I find that Tom is sometimes more deferential than necessary to his guests, in my opinion. Though at least he made her squirm a little on gay marriage.

  • PJ

    I have a lot of respect for Ms. Buchanan. I agree with the point of always putting the kids first. My mother was a single mom raising my brother and me. After her divorce, our father moved across the country and we never saw him. She often worked 3 jobs to care for us. Needless to say, we didn’t see her as much as we would have liked. Thankfully, my grandmother was there for us.
    My mother dated and I don’t think that was wise because we didn’t hardly see her. I’m glad that Ms. Buchanan has stated that dating should happen after the children leave.
    I’m a stay at home wife and mom to a 2 year and we plan to homeschool. I’m completed dedicated to my son and his future because of the way I grew up and Ms. Buchanan has helped to cement the idea that children come first. If you choose to have children, you have to make the commitment that their needs come first.

    • Happyhippybaby

      I was a homeschooling stay at home mom for 12 years and pregnant with our fifth child when my husband left. My children were the entire focus of my life and I was floored, devestated when my marriage ended and I had to put my kids in school and daycare against my deepest beliefs. I hope you don’t have to ever go through that, but it happens all the time. Until you walk a day in a single mom’s shoes though I think maybe the “shoulds” need to stay away.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chrisztopher-Wood/1793210828 Chrisztopher Wood

        What about single DADS…my wife walked out on me and my kids.  I don’t hear any keening for the likes of those like me!

        • Terry Tree Tree

          Brother, I have been representing our case here, for MONTHS, when the subject comes up.  My ex-wife walked out on her children, and me.
              With the life she chose, it was FAR better for the children to be with me.  They are adult, living proof of that!  They’re NOT thieves, drug dealers, or other forms of low-life!  They’re hard-working respectful, and respectable executives and good parents!

          • notafeminista

            Gosh, neither are Bay Buchanan’s. How about that.

    • Sam

      At PJ! Good for you.
      I am so happy that there are people/parents out there who are able to afford a stay at home parent and make their marriage work, and take caring for their children a priority.

      But. Come back and talk to us, if your husband ever leaves you and/or cheats on you and or starts to abuse /you or your children … It’ll be a different story then.
      We’ll see if you still believe what you believe.
      ;)

  • Valerie

    This is so difficult to listen to.  Can’t we start from the premise that all parents (single or coupled, male or female) love their children and want to provide for them?  There is no correct or incorrect way to love or to provide for a child.  There are, however, basic needs that parents have – time and resources – for themselves as well as for their children’s well being.  I’m weary of memoir/self-help books that are thinly veiled justifications for the authors’ individual choices.

    • notafeminista

      No.  Because it is not true.

    • Terry Tree Tree

      MANY people do things to their children, that PROVE they don’t love them, abuse, abandon, lying, etc…!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chrisztopher-Wood/1793210828 Chrisztopher Wood

       Come on Val, she’s unemployed…has three adult boys to support as well as the mortgage on the house for her multi-married presidential campaigning loser of a brother.

      That’s a lot of responsibility…time to go out on the campaign (that is book tour) and cry the weepy tears of a lace-curtain Irish colleen feeling the pain of the low folk.

      Break out the Guiness and Bushmills…oh that’s right she’s no longer Irish…she’s a Mormon…breakout the jello and Mountain dew (I swear Deacon it has no caffeine).

  • Happyhippybaby

    I want to know where the accountability is for the FATHER’s? We have father’s in the state of WA only being responsible for $50 a month in child support, while the mother is left to work 2 jobs?

    You talk about not bad mouthing the father (which I agree with) and keeping the kids in the dark about the kind of person he is and they then hold this man on a pedestal and are crushed time and time again. When dad “can’t make it” to visitation we are supposed to rearrange our entire lives to accomodate him? I am well aware of the fact that kids need their fathers, but they also need stability, to be able to count on their father, and to know that they are a priority. They need to see a mom that can stand up for what is right, and that there are consequences for irresponsibility. THere has to be a middle ground between making dad the good guy or the bad guy.

    Until our society starts holding the non-custodial parent equally accountable physically and financially for our children single motherhood will be an extremely hard uphill battle. 

    • Terry Tree Tree

      I AGREE with you.  I’m a father that was abandoned, with the children.  MUCH of our experiences are VERY similiar!
         Unfortunately, TOO MANY males ONLY want the fun of starting children, and leave the mother in BAD circumstances, and go do it again, and again!
         MANY have BRAGGED about ‘fathering’ so many children, while WHINING about the Child-Support they NEVER pay!

  • Muriel

    Even married parents take time away from their children and this is healthy.  Not only do parents need some space outside of their kids but the kids need their space outside of their parents too to better define who they are.

    She seems to have done a good job raising her kids as she chose to not develop other relationships.  But single parents who decide to have other relationships can be very succesful with their children as well.

  • primal

    she needs a love life. oh my gosh, loosen up lady

    • zendegy

      haha!! succinct and spot-on!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chrisztopher-Wood/1793210828 Chrisztopher Wood

      Obviously you’ve never been to the sin-bins of Georgetown…Bay gots dat hometown rep!

  • Jill

    I’m a little tired of hearing women say, “put the kids first” all the time. How many men are saying that? Of course your kids are an important priority, but why pit them against your own needs? Why can’t you have it all? Placing your kids squarely (and solely) in the center to your life not only is unhealthy to you, it is unfair to THEM. It is too big a responsibility for them to carry. A happy, well-balanced mother takes care of HER own needs AND her kids needs. And by taking care of her needs, she SERVES her kids.

  • Denise

    I agree….I tried dating briefly while raising my child.  I does not work well & I prefer the sacrifice.  We divorced when she was 4yo,and in the next year I was a cancer patient.  My parents were there & I kept working.  I was her Girl Scout troop leader but IF I focused on dating, I would not have done/survived any of these things.  She is in college now…& I pray I established a standard of behavior for my child that I can be proud of.  I am an African American Christian woman…AND a person whole & happy in my life & decisions.

  • Yar

    Is Bay saying it takes a village to raise healthy children?  She got herself twisted in knots on the gay partner issue.  I take offence at the single “mother” point of view.  I was a single parent, and I did much of what she claims for herself.  I did not date, I didn’t really want too, my children have always come first for me. It does not matter the gender.  I don’t like the pedestal we put mothers on, it only makes mothers feel they are not fitting some expected norm.  Don’t worry about what anybody thinks, do your best, love your children, don’t buy somebody’s self help book.  Tell your own stories.

    • zendegy

      nice!!

  • Elsa

    Years ago now, having become a single Mom due to domestic violence where both my children and myself were endangered I became an only parent overnight. I did everything Bay Buchanan is advocating as I believed this would insure the best possible outcome for my children…but having a child with special needs and also being traumatized I discovered very quickly that if one was without the family support or necessary extra financial resources, what we needed didn’t exist…back then, which was the real reason abused women and their children returned to their abusers, not some strength of character matter. I left and never went back but it was just ridiculous how impossible it was, as well as dangerous…so when I hear people saying now…cut services and assistance, I realize Bay Buchanan’s advise will only be an option for the wealthy. I was working full-time and could not meet the costs alone.

    • Terry Tree Tree

      I’m sorry that the ‘moral’, ‘compassionate’, ‘conservative’,’Christians’, did NOT treat you, as they would have wanted to be treated, in your circumstances!
          I’ll bet they ‘preached’ to you!

      • Elsa

        Indeed they did and my baby nearly fell out of his high-chair as they had arrived uninvited coming right into my home to preach and wouldn’t let go of my hands as he was climbing out about to fall on his little head…I kicked them all out indignantly asking them what kind of Christians they were endangering my baby like that once he was safety in my arms, my having wrestled free of their insane un-consensual grip as they attempted to save me with their prayers wrongfully assuming I was an unmarried sinner! 

        • notafeminista

          I think its TRFX who is fond of saying…”Anec is not a sufficient prefix for data.”

  • Caleb

    As a former EMT, the first thing they teach you is that the most important person in any emergency is you.  You aren’t any good to anyone if you are hurt or dead.  The guest mentioned that it was wrong to take time away from her children to take care of herself (such as by spending time with a romantic partner).  Where does she draw the line I wonder? 

    Exercise–should she not spend time exercising every day, because she should be spending that time taking care of things so she has more free time to spend with her kids?–Even if that means that she is a less healthy person and may die prematurely and orphan her children?

    What if she, being a single mother was very stressed out, and her primary care physician referred her to a therapist to help her with some of her anxiety issues and help her address some of her emotional pathologies that are making her a worse mother?  Would the guest say that was being a bad a mother because she was taking time away from her kids to serve herself?

    In order, to take care of others you must first take care of yourself.  Or in order to best take care of others you need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself at the same time.

    Not everyone is the same, but I would imagine, love and partnership from a peer are a very important part of being a whole person for a large portion of the population.

    • Terry Tree Tree

      GREAT EXPOSURE!  MUCH TO CONSIDER! 
           Yes, we Emergency Responders ARE trained that if you don’t take care of yourself, you MAY not be able to help others in an emergency!

    • zendegy

      excellent point!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chrisztopher-Wood/1793210828 Chrisztopher Wood

      Oh the humanity…think of the stress on the day-care workers and the volunteer women from her Catholic parish had to take on until she got the FEDERAL job (on the taxpayer dole) and then turned Mormon and lost the help of her local parish volunteers…hard to find an equal depth of Mormon outreach in Georgetown compared to the mackerel snappers.

  • Ing

    Ms. Buchanan is confusing personal with universal…what worked for her may or may not work just so for others. I continue to be amused by the view held by some republicans that their way is the right way for all.

    • notafeminista

      As Republicans continue to be amused by Democrats’ assumption that they know better.

      • Ing

        “some republicans”

      • Zero

        Yeah, the trailer park redneck who votes against his economic interests certainly has the world figured out. 

      • Mamma2lila

        The difference between the two? Republicans believe they know what works best for everyone. Democrats know that only an individual can decide what’s right for himself/herself. 

        Broad generalizations, of course. But that’s the gist of it. 

        • notafeminista

          If Democrats know that only an individual can decide, why do they work so hard at keeping individuals from deciding?

  • Maryrita

    Bay Buchanan’s analysis strikes me as a perfect exposition of the flaw inherent in much conservative analysis: inability to understand that other people have problems and issues that are different from yours! Her view about single parenting is, “This worked for me, so do it my way and it will work for you.” This involves willful blindness to a whole range of actual human experience. A few examples: being unable to find a job that provides the flexibility to be there for your kids’ games, etc.; not having supportive family that you can trust to take care of your kids in a pinch; no matter how much you love your kids, having emotional needs that require a search for love outside of that family unit. I would also like to know how she feels about the position of Mitt Romney and others that women receiving public assistance MUST leave children as young as 2 to find work outside the home.

    • Terry Tree Tree

      GOOD QUESTIONS!  GOOD POINTS!!

    • Mamma2lila

      Yes! Yes! I was screaming at the radio while she blathered on about how, “it worked for me!” Bologna. If I had not dated as a single parent, I would not have found the love of my life. My child’s father is non-existant (his own choice) and Buchanan’s views neglect to take into consideration the benefits a step-parent can bring to the life of a single mother and her children. How can some one who believes a two-parent family is best, not support a mother in her search for a stable partner?? Does she not understand that, even though there is no love like the love of your children, there is no love like that of a devoted spouse. If the man she was dating didn’t want to spend time with her AND her children, she was dating the wrong man. 

      Instead of telling single mothers how to live their life, let’s give them the unconditional support that they need. Let’s not exacerbate the guilt that they already feel for a failed relationship. Let’s not make them feel even crappier for wanting to experience a healthy relationship with a partner who will support them and provide their children with the two parent family they deserve. Let’s ensure that they have food and daycare, so that they don’t have to work 80hrs a week at 2 separate jobs while taking night classes. 

      Get a clue, Buchanan. It worked for you, good for you. It didn’t work for me. I was a single mother, not dead. I deserve to be happy, too.  

    • Happyhippybaby

      IN the state of WA you are required to go to work or do full-time job search (in a facility, so baby in daycare) at 12 weeks postpartum! Crazy!

    • Ruth Baker

      Holy sh%$^&!!  Well, what do you expect from “those” people.

  • Terry Tree Tree

    Her brother is Pat Buchannan, the ‘champion of Family Values’, and MANY OTHER ‘Christian Values’.
        HE didn’t help his sister, and his nephews?  HE allowed them to be destitute?  HYPOCRITE?

    • notafeminista

      Out of curiosity how do you propose to help those who refuse to be helped?

      • Sam

         When you are a single mom without any means, and it means that you either accept help/ask for it, if you have it, or you go live in a shelter/visit food pantry … you freakin’ take it.

        Good point Terry!
        I am sure her family helped her, but I would be interested to hear just HOW unemployed mother of 3 went to become US Treasury.

        • notafeminista

          It doesn’t answer the question. 

          • Zero

            You ask the most stupid and unanswerable questions.  First, the only people who refused to be helped are the uneducated.  Anybody with an education does not want to be on welfare (which is the vast majority).  Second, I almost wish republicans would cut the safety net and make the poor help themselves because if you have read your history (which you clearly haven’t) the poor don’t decide to “work harder” they start revolutions. 

          • notafeminista

            So.  Anyone with an education doesn’t want to be on welfare.  I would wholeheartedly agree with that.  Why do we have so many on welfare then?

          • Zero

            I blame the republicans.  Look at the numbers.  Poverty has increased almost every year under every  republican president since 1980.  Under Bush, more people entered into the  programs than any other time since the great depression.  Did people all of the sudden stopped working hard?  Would there be so many people of welfare if republicans hadn’t fired 600,000 state employees?  Did those firings not damage demand for the private sector?  Where are these people to go?  Public employment is currently 16% of the economy–what if what 25% of the economy?  What would all that new demand do for the private markets?  Would not the private sector hire to produce enough product for the new demand?  Would not people then be able to get off of welfare?

            Sorry, but the ‘job creators’ are getting richer without creating jobs.  So, you can higher public sector employees, or you can let people sit on welfare, or you can cut welfare and start a revolution….

             

          • notafeminista

            Actually there’s a ton of jobs out there.  (Anecdotally) I read the unemployment rate among undocumented workers is less than 6%.  Maybe Americans should try doing those jobs instead.

          • Zero

            Hey, call your congressman and tell him to author a bill that  allows government to round up the homeless
            and force them to pick fruit in Alabama.

            By the way, there is a lot of data that says America would save money by  providing public housing than letting people survive in the streets.

             

      • Zero

        Jesus talks about helping the poor with charity!  Jesus is not for helping the rich with tax cuts, cuts to poor people’s healthcare, and letting the moneychangers do whatever they want.  Jesus was publicly enthusiastic about the rich helping the poor, but he was silent about homosexuality and abortion.  Republicans are enthusiastically public about homosexuality and abortion and not only ignore what Jesus says but they go against Jesus’s teachings by voting for the very things he preached against. 

        You are not a Christian, you are an ideologue.  Ask that same question Jesus.

        • notafeminista

          It still doesn’t answer the question.  How does one help those who refuse to be helped?

          • Zero

            They don’t.  But what you are trying to do with that question is broad-brush poverty, when you question applies to a fragment of homeless people. 

            You ask these questions then people answer them but you look for any loophole you can slip through to evade the fact that republicanism has made the majority of this country poorer. 

            Now go ask that same question to your Lord while you pray at night because he tells us to help the poor. 

  • Jen

    I think we need to take everything with a grain of salt. Just because Ms. Buchanan says dating didn’t work for her, it doesn’t mean it won’t work for all single parents…within limits, however. I was raised by a single mom who was ALWAYS dating and didn’t  have enough time for us kids.  So it goes both ways – caring too much for yourself and your love life, or NEVER dating and sacrificing ALL time for your children.  Neither one of those are healthy. 
     I have read Ms. Buchanan’s book and I think she has some incredible advice that can inspire any single parent.  She really focuses on the family and creating strong bonds among the children. Family dinner, inexpensive vacations, attending each other’s sporting events.  

    I LOVE that she encouraged a relationship with the kids’ dad and spoke only positively about him.  This wasn’t how it was in my home growing up and it created some heartache for all of us.  I’m sure it was difficult for her to mask her true feelings, but I’m sure it made a world of difference for her children.

    Some say single parents can’t relate to her, but I say otherwise.  Her book is all about family – it’s about doing the best with the cards you’ve been dealt – no matter what. I have been so inspired by her positive attitude and traditional values. Family is so important to me and i hope to incorporate some Ms. Buchanan’s rules in my home.

  • U.S. Vet.

    “If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon.”   (Barack Obama)

    I don’t know if Barack Obama ever plans on having a son, but if he does, somebody had better get him a copy of Bay Buchanan’s book.

    Plus, Bay Buchanan’s book would also be a nice ‘parting’ gift for Obama when he permanently moves back to Chicago in November.

    • JGC

      Can’t follow your logic…What does Trayvon Martin have to do with Bay Buchanan?

      • RightequalsWrong

        You assume they have logic to begin with, not likely.

        • U.S. Vet.

          If you made the sorry mistake of voting for Obama,

          then you are logically impaired.

          • hail, lord mother

            if you made the mistake of joining the military–you are logically impaired and stupid and murderous–murderer!

          • U.S. Vet.

            Al-qaeda terrorists don’t hate America as much as you do, or your fellow stooges on the hateful left.

    • hail, lord mother

       do you have a point–you make no sense.  focus.  You’re all over the place–and nothing said important.  go back to bible class in the kkk

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chrisztopher-Wood/1793210828 Chrisztopher Wood

      Is the mantle U.S. Vet supposed to offer you some prestige?  There’s millions of us don’t tarnish the name.

      But then you may mean you’re a hamster doctor!

  • TomK in Boston

    I think she skipped the first Rule:

     Rule #0: Be Privileged

     Of course like all the elites she takes that for granted and has no concept of how things would play out for someone who does not “follow” Rule #0.

    • notafeminista

      Such as?  Describe for us how Ms Buchanan had any advantage that any one of the rest of us does or does not have.  In detail.

      • TomK in Boston

        Wow, nota, I didn’t realize you were such a powerful individual, to make such demands. Congratulations.

        If you’re asking – I mean demanding answers to, sorry sir – such questions, you’re probably too far gone for me to help. You might start with investigating her money, position and connections, and asking if that might make life as a single mom a tad easier, but I expect that won’t compute.  I understand that your Party Line is to ignore their effect – I mean my ‘ol buddy W and Etcha and Etcha’s sons got everything they have by hard work alone, right?

        • bellavida

          Tom K, the far right, totally think they did it completely on their own, as if they exist in a vacuum.  All self-made, as it were.  And if you need a little help, ask your parents to borrow money for the college, like Mitt Romney said a couple weeks ago.

          • notafeminista

            My parents didn’t pay for my college education nor do I have student loan debt.  Next?

        • notafeminista

          I started with her Wikipedia entry, which admittedly is only as accurate is Wikipedia is.  Nothing there that strikes me as being particularly advantageous.  Perhaps you can enlighten us?

      • RolloMartins

        You seriously don’t think she had mega-advantages??? She was the Treasury Secr, for Pete’s sake. You think she didn’t have connections up the whazoo? Please. She was in the top tier, the pick of the litter. If she called the President would he have answered? You betcha. That tells you what advantages she had. Comparing Bay with any other single mom…ridiculous.

        • Ruth Baker

          You aint kiddin. . . try working at a factory, riding a bike to work, and having zero support from an uncaring family. . .

          • notafeminista

            Well and see there it is again.  Ms. Buchanan just didn’t struggle “enough” to suit.

      • Stillin

        I think the name Buchanan kind of sums it up, she ain’t Mrs. Brown.

        • notafeminista

          Mrs. Brown was actually Queen Victoria – imagine the connections!

  • notafeminista

    The comments here are interesting and quite telling.  From all accounts Ms. Buchanan was unemployed when she got divorced but apparently she wasn’t unemployed “enough.”  Questions like did she take the bus, or did she sleep in her car, why didn’t she receive child support, did she already have “a leg up”…

    Are we really to the point of having to “out-poor” each other?  This woman raised her family apparently to happy and successful adulthood and you want to tear her down?  Is that what we’ve come to?

    I especially enjoyed the commenter that suggest all Ms. Buchanan needs is a love life.  Well done.

    • RightequalsWrong

      If your not a feminist, why are you on here speaking your feminine mind?  

      • notafeminista

        Because I can.

        • RightequalsWrong

          Thanks to progressives, hypocrite.

          • notafeminista

            Actually no.  Thanks to being well-read and having a brain.  I don’t need someone else to tell me my worth. 

          • RightequalsWrong

            You just don’t get it, but that’s not a surprise.
            If conservatives had there way you would not be speaking your mind, nor would blacks, or non christians or gays. So go on rallying against your own best interest. Hypocrite!

          • notafeminista

            Enlighten me.  What pray tell, is  it that you think I just don’t get?

          • RightequalsWrong

            Uh, well history for one as it was the women’s right movement that gave females the vote; the feminist movement for closing the gender pay gap and broadening women’s roles in society as well as furthering social acceptance of independent outspoken women; and for two, feminism because you clearly only see it as a very narrow field of thought and that  just shows you know nothing about it. Now, why don’t you enlighten yourself by reading some books.

      • Greyman

        Frankly, who elected you Thought-Policeman, Mr. or Ms. Multi-Colored Face? What kind of galling hypocrisy do you exhibit in stating blankly that any woman not subscribing to the (narrow) range of feminist ideology should just keep her feminine mouth shut? or to suggest that any woman not subscribing to feminist ideology is an uncritical stooge or intellectual captive to realities “she just can’t understand”? Women capably exhibit a much broader range of thought than the limits intrinsic to feminist ideology permit (unless you get even more perniciously mealy-mouthed and claim that, after all, “all women are feminists”, and that consequently any woman failing to exhibit feminist credentials therefore fails to be feminine, which is nonsense of specifically Orwellian character). You might want to check the chemical composition of the make-up you have on.

        • RightequalsWrong

          Grayman, I would take color over dreary gray any day. Someone who has a tag professing they are not a feminist seems to me to be at the height of hypocrisy when it was progressive women and progressive movements, like feminism, that have been solely responsible for her being able to publicly express her opinion, vote, or earn the same wage as a man.  Ever heard the conservative saying, “how did she get out of the kitchen, and who gave her shoes,” judging by recent conservative behavior I think they would be fine and dandy with that being women’s role. People that perceive feminism in a narrow man-hating light expose their ignorance — their ignorance of history and their ignorance of feminism as a wide ranging and ever evolving set of precepts.  

          • Greyman

            Well, Mr. or Ms. Painted Face, you unelected volunteer
            thought-policeman: anyone who views feminism as the sole demarcation of the scope
            and spectrum of permissible feminine thought arguably holds quite a narrow view
            of feminine intellectuality. Because the evolution of thought is so topical
            these days, I will credit you with authorship of a newly-minted “feminist
            misogyny”, since to your mind only (female) feminists can be deemed female and
            any woman not obedient to feminist strictures is a heretic to her gender. (I
            hasten to add that your view of intellectual history is itself tainted with a
            generous dose of bovine excrement, so I renew my call that you check out the
            chemical composition of your facepaint.)

          • RightequalsWrong

            Quit trying to sound intellectual and educated,
            it isn’t working for you.  And is if your actions on this message board weren’t an attempt, albeit uneducated and uniformed, to be a “thought police.”     Again, you reveal your ignorance of feminism as
            narrow and binding when in truth it is a very broad and (often) contradictory
            school of thought; nonetheless, women today owe much to the work and effort of
            feminists who came before them – something you and others refuse to
            acknowledge, as though a female’s/a woman’s right to vote, earn money, or publicly
            express an opinion happened in a political vacuum.  Read a book rather than re-vomiting the opinions and
            thoughts you hear on conservative talk radio/TV.  By the way, WHERE did you learn about feminism?  Cioux, Steinem, Stanton, or more likely, Limbaugh and Hannity?    

            P.S.  Exactly HOW long did you wait to use the word “Orwellian?”  Better get well acquainted with terms before revealing yourself as a half-read misinformed fool eager to throw big words around.  

          • Greyman

            Reading your invidious prose unspool your knotted thought, I
            perceived instantly the Orwellian cast of your mind, dedicated as it is to
            groupthink, so deploying the term did not take long at all. (Construe “Orwellian”
            as “dystopian”: although I’ve read the dystopias of Zamyatin
            and Capek, too, those authors’ names do not lend themselves to comparable usage
            for American readers.) Although I cannot boast any formal study of feminism, I
            did manage to read critically the essay “The Critical Quilt: Alternative
            Authority in Feminist Criticism” by Cheryl B. Torsney, a contribution to the
            1989 volume Contemporary Literary Theory edited by Atkins and Morrow and
            published by UMass Press of Amherst. FYI: I do not watch television whatsoever,
            and the ONLY radio I listen to is NPR/PRI/APM/CPB in origin (along with
            whatever emanates from the BBC), all of which I listen to critically. (BTW:
            were you referencing Helene Cixous, you peerless clown-faced intellectual giant?
            No, I haven’t read her “Laugh of the Medusa”.)

          • RightequalsWrong

            So, you haven’t read much, or anything really, about feminism or by feminists but decide to judge it anyway?  Well, that really is a dystopian approach.  Cling to your term “Orwellian” as it brings you warmth and comfort even as you unintelligently embrace its inclusion into the public discourse and public perception.  It it clear you wish to be seen as intelligent, unconventional, and controversial, that however, takes more intellect and effort than you’ve proven yourself capable of, at least here on this discussion board, so save your wasted uninformed breath.  In the meantime I’ll save my arguments for truly informed and educated rivals.  Take care of yourself, Grayman, because you’ve done nothing to merit care from others here. 

          • Greyman

            I once wrote to Camille Paglia, but I suppose that would not count. Happy life!

      • Terry Tree Tree

        WHY do you think Nota, is a female?   Most of Nota’s comments read like Rush Limbaugh?

    • Sam

      Oh no, we applaud her in raising her family to adulthood and being a single mom.

      What I don’t agree with is her hypocrisy.
      And that’s why we want to tear her apart. :)
      Joking. Figuratively speaking.

      It’s hard to listen to someone from the upper echelons of power, talking about struggles, when so many of us, down here the … 90% of us, have it way way rougher.

      It’s a hard pill to swallow.

      The reason for at least my comments, is not because she is not a great mom, she is, absolutely, but because of the kind of PERSON that she is.

      We take on many roles in our lives – mothers, daughters, sons, sisters, fathers, uncles, workers, etc …

      But we are all people, each and everyone of us is human.

      But some people don’t see things the way that we do.
      They have a different perspective. And absolutely entitled to it.
      The problem that I have, is that Bay, and in my experience, most Republicans DO NOT BELIEVE that others are entitles to their opinion which may also be right.

      It’s their way, or the highway.

      THAT is what I have a problem with.

      • notafeminista

        So where did she say that?  Where in any of this did you get the impression either overtly or covertly that she thinks it is in fact, “her way or the highway”?

  • Brett

    She is 63 now. Supposedly–what I don’t question would have been a very difficult crisis in her life–her unhappy marriage began to undo what she had envisioned for her future life sometime in her early 30′s. Many things don’t quite square, in terms of the narrative she was trying very hard to keep the reins on throughout the show (she had to forego breathing at times in between her story telling). She was trying to paint a picture of a struggling, working single mom.  She had her boys, three, in 1983, 1984 and 1987. She would have been 32 in 1980. She held her post as Treasurer from 1981-1983.

    She was also national treasurer of Reagan for President primary campaigns in 1976, 1980, and the Reagan-Bush general election campaigns of 1980 and again in 1984 (all of this from Wikipedia). She supposedly asked for a divorce when she was pregnant with her third child (which would have been in ’86-’87) putting her at around age 36 or 37. I’m sure the crisis started before the divorce, but considering her various work positions, which included regular punditry in the years after 1984 on national television programs, I just don’t see the financial struggling that a true, working, single mom would have to contend with.

    Her advice to single moms, as it were, the so-called reason she wrote the book, seems suspect considering it has been written this year, some thirty-odd years after her crisis.

    First, her advice seemed a bit quaint, in the sense that it is common-sense advice that has been around for a very long time, and it is the sort of advice no one could really disagree with on its face. Second, I’m sure she struggled, but there are struggles and then there are STRUGGLES. Third, her narrative was working fairly well at first, it even had some socialistic propositions in its vague underpinnings. In terms of the training she was advocating: good, good, making oneself competitive for employment through training is always good advice. She wouldn’t have had the need to be retrained, though, considering the contacts she would have amassed in her previous positions that segued to the positions she held as a pundit. She also would have been in a position to sort of carve out her own schedule, making her family time easier to maintain than what many single moms would have to do to maintain certain elements of being there for their children.

    The “reason” she wrote the book seems more likely something timed after the various debates about single motherhood that have been circulating the past few months. It seems more an effort for conservatives to get out (and stay out) in front of the debate. It will come rear its head again in the coming months, and it wouldn’t surprise me to hear Romney has picked her as his running mate.

    Her narrative did begin to unravel a bit as the show went on, in terms of her really trying hard not to introduce the true conservative mindset/ideology into the story. She faltered a little, especially on points of social safety netting and on same-sex marriage. I wish Tom could have kept her talking for another hour or so; she wouldn’t have been able to keep her story going too much longer if the veneer had been more stripped away.

    • JGC

      The intro stated Buchanan is now a Mormon.  Practically, for this reason, Romney won’t consider her as a running mate (2 Mormons on the ticket, 2 much for evangelicals?) Also, the Republicans may feel a bit burned by the Sarah Palin debacle. Whoever they select for the VP spot will have to be thoroughly vetted. Could Buchanan could bear this scrutiny?  The reason she putting herself out there with single mom advice is probably more in the vein of your thought that this is to soften the anti-woman rhetoric coming out of the Republican party of late.  

      • Brett

        Yeah, I thought about that, the double Mormon thing. Mitt might very just get burned (ala Sarah Palin) should he pick Bay. 

    • notafeminista

      Aaaahhh she didn’t struggle enough.  Well darn it all.

      • Brett

        I enjoy your posts, nota. As predictable as they are, they become a kind of schtick played over and over. I never tire of laughing, though. Thanks for your comic relief.

        • Warren

          She’s a Valkyrie

          • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chrisztopher-Wood/1793210828 Chrisztopher Wood

            Well that means she will be able to get married again if President Obama gets his way!

          • Ruth Baker

            OMG!!  A great one!!!

        • Terry Tree Tree

          Hillarious to me, too!

        • notafeminista

          I’m glad to provide comic relief – but….that was the point of your post was it not? 

  • Barbara Witman

    The hypocrisy of Ms. Buchanan is appalling!   To support the cutting of gov’t programs as she does, and yet encourage others to find them and take advantage of them is the ultimate!  Ms. Buchanan is talking out of both sides of her mouth.   

  • Zero

    I know plenty of single mothers who are trying to pay off student debt and saving up for their kids college tuition at the same time.  Thank god for the republicans who protect the top from tax hikes that would help single mothers.  So much better to let our public institutions fall apart and tuition to skyrocket instead of raising taxes on people who can afford them. 
     

    I’m sure whatsherface had the same hardships and thinks everyone should suffer them so that the rich guy can buy a summer home. 

    • notafeminista

      Lots of married mothers too…single and married fathers as well.   Maybe if administrative and tuition costs at the university level weren’t so high, life would be more manageable.

      • Zero

        Yup.  I don’t see how the American Dream is possible when people have to pay off huge student debts and save up for their kids tuition at the same time. 

    • ASpecKK

      The single mothers I know have negative tax rates (working or not). While I think federal taxes are too high for everyone (and loopholes while we’re at it), other peoples tax rates don’t affect single parents.

      As for college, we don’t have many federal institutions. Let the money stay in states without the friction of federal collection. We don’t need to subsidize social clubs either. If the kids want a party school give them the responsibility to pay for it.

      • Zero

        In many states, the lack of federal funding is causing the universities to cut and cut.  There is no reason why we can’t raise taxes on the top to pay for lower tuition, like many successful countries already do.  And everybody pays taxes and fees.

        • notafeminista

          How about we just ask universities to re think their budgets instead?

    • TomK in Boston

      Nobody needs to worry about falling behind on the mtg on the summer home, just ask your brother for a few $100K and you’re all set.

  • RolloMartins

    Oh–she likes state programs, just not federal. And she sites the great success made when Clinton tossed money to the states and allowed the states to reduce benefits. The states then got more money for less outlay. That is the game now: this is not a reduction in bureaucracy, as Buchanan suggested. It just lets the states do less for the federal grants. Letting the states do this is akin to playing a shell game. Her politics is hypocritical and superficial. Shame on her.

  • Ergoegosum

    so poor she could only afford to drive to Yellowstone on vacation. She doesn’t know what poor means

  • Ergoegosum

    to Notafeminista
    you argue like you’ve been taught by mormons. Have you been taught by Mormons how to argue?

    • notafeminista

      I don’t understand the question.

  • Sara

    I think people are being a bit too harsh on her.  It’s nice to hear a Republican talk about these issues.  Every has their own way of making life work for their specific situation.  To say one person has to pursue a love life or high-powered career to be happy is just as close-minded as saying two people of the same sex can’t marry.  Admittedly, some of her party’s policies seem to go against many of the policies she is promoting, but not every Democrat believes in welfare either.  To just shout above everything she is saying is not listening, it’s not beneficial to anybody.  Democrats and Republicans have to find SOME WAY to work together. 

    • Terry Tree Tree

      Republicans say they will work together, ONLY if Democrats come over to the Republican side!

  • Peggy 3M

    I wish I could applaud Bay Buchanan.  She speaks out of both sides of her mouth, and works both sides of the street.  She is a well known Republican conservative with conservative views.  To try to appear otherwise, is nonsense.   

    I listened to most of the interview today.  Sometimes the reception on the highway in NY is a problem.  However, I heard enough to make me angry enough to write.

    Bottom line is she is “boosting” a book that should add to her bank account. 

    Did she say how she became a “single” mother?  I became a single mother in 1986 through the death of my husband.  Yes, it was difficult trying to take on the responsibilities of two parents.  We were a good balance for each other in our family efforts.  In 1986, it was most common for the father to be the “breadwinner”, and the mother was the homemaker.  I needed to return to work to obtain health insurance for my family, even more than to earn an income.  The cost of health care was bankrupting then, as it is today.

    She is clueless to reality, especially TODAY’S REALITY.

       

  • kivenaberham

    wow bay boo hoo can can is one of the most biggest bullsh*t mouth piece in conservative politician there is. she say she have no money. the buchanan is one of the upper-class white family there is in washington!. she say she doesn’t see herself as a victim, but then she blame her husband for creating this divorce, i’ll say she is say just rely on her RICH WHITE FAMILY FOR SUPPORT, but get a big PAT ON THE BACK FROM CONSERVATIVES. anyone got a rich white family to help out a poor black or Hispanic family they can borrow? like bay? its a good idea if you loose your rich white husband just call one of her rich lawyer friends in Washington!. especially if you got one  that can write get you a million dollar book deal on it! ya! pass it on. poor little rich white political elite want to tell you how to live without money or job or husband or government support.!! SUCK ON IT BUCHANAN!

    • TomK in Boston

      Yep, she left out the most important of her rules:

      Rule #0: Be Privileged

      If you carefully “follow” that rule, all the rest is easy. Unfortunately, you then have no clue about what life is like for the earth people.

  • Eorder

    I listened to this broadcast and couldn’t believe how out of touch with the real world this woman is. I guess that makes her a natural as an advisor to Mitt. I heard things like find a better job and stop trying to get promoted in the law firm or only 30 percent of single women need the safety net but 70% can afford to stay at home, or how difficult it was for her to find a way to schedule her time to go to each of her three son’s seperate soccer camp. Give me a break! Even married working couples have trouble paying for the lifestyle that she describes. 

  • Warren

    In President Obamas world,women should marry the “State”.Please note his cartoon “Life of Julia”…..No worries!
          The reason most love Bay and Brother Pat is because they’re optimists.Just like Ronaldo Magnus.

    • hail, mother

       botard

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chrisztopher-Wood/1793210828 Chrisztopher Wood

       “…most love Bay and Brother Pat…”

      Most of whom? The small right wing cabal in the pockets of the Kock Bros that has driven this country into the ditch? Big Oil, Big $$, Big Narrow-Minded Theocracy from the Bush presidencies.

      By the way…check out your demi-god Reagan’s record…not as conservative as you’d want to believe…he was just acting the part…and you and the rest of the boobwazee ate it up.

  • TomK in Boston

    Another Rule is to get good domestic help. Of course the lower classes aren’t to be trusted these days, but that’s a hardship we just have to fight through. A good nanny, maid, driver, personal assistant, etc make parenting ever so much easier.

  • hail, lord mother

     Rule #6: Be Their Parent, Not Their Friend

    Single moms have to establish—and enforce—rules. Simply talking to
    them is totally and completely inadequate. In fact, it’s nothing but a
    cop-out. Your kids need absolutes from you, not chit-chat. Give them
    clearly defined rules and explain the driving principles behind them.
    Then enforce them and never stop.

    Sorry–nonsense.  This is something my mother always says.  My brother and i always wanted something more–we feel a huge gap between us and out parents.  There is no connection.  A gap.  Bond broken.  She cant talk–’a cop out’–you are a fool and a cruel heartless woman.  Loudmouth …..

    i love saying that to you.  it gives me shivers.  I really just don’t like you. A cop out….people need to understand things–they need somebody to listen–not your authoritarian crap.  they need conversation and being talked to–thats where they learn empathy.  They understand where your coming from-and a bond is created in the talk.  Its not about being friends–because there is always an age gap and parental gap that creates a soft authoritarian sense–but one with respect and understanding and deep love. 

    Your view of parenting, marriage–you republicans–its dictatorial and void of love.  Every republican and christian-republican family i know has serious issues–hidden under the veil of purity of god.  You people have serious problems–brimming with and hate and prejudice, self-denial, and self-loathing.

    parents–avoid her callous parenting at all costs.  Talk to your children–please!  Listen even more.  There are different kinds of friendships.  Do you want your children to feel like strangers in the house, or servants, or 2nd class citizens–or the 99%–oppressed, and cowed?  i guess if you’re a republican you do.

    The world would be a better place without republicans/conservatives.

  • hail mother

    Her children in their photo look very uncomfortable in their own skin with fake smiles–look very awkward and undelighted to be with mom.  Something in their eyes says-they know its bullshit and so is their mother.  They don’t have love–they have unresolved issues. So many. And possibly, some gay tendencies in the closet in these boys.  I wish them the best of luck–now that Obama has announced his stand on gay marriage, they can come out, in spite of mother dearests hate–and find true love and true self.

    • KWS

      You are an idiot

    • TomK in Boston

      Definitely look gay to me

      • notafeminista

        Tell us, what does gay look like?

    • notafeminista

      Wow.  Just wow.

  • elizmcd2

    thought you as host tried to be fair but your own bias had to come out – criticized because she took her kids to yellowstone ?   not about her book but only your perception 
    of her politics 

  • http://www.facebook.com/shari.thurer Shari Lehrer Thurer

    Aside from her argument, with which I disagree (as I think moms, like their offspring, are humans with needs and desires of their own), I wonder if Bay is not a little manic (as in bipolar). That is not a moral indictment, just a clinical hunch…and, of course, I have not met her.Also, I wonder whether her children might feel a tad guilty for being the be-all and end-all of her life. That’s a big responsibility.

    • notafeminista

      Well there ya go.  You disagree with her, therefore she must be mentally ill.

  • Emilypiro

    anyone know the name of the author at the end of the show whose father raised him after his mother died.  It was a lovely piece of writing I would like to look up.

  • Perry48

    She lost me when she said she doesnt “believe in Gay marriage” but than she turns around says a single mother needs all the help she can get.  This doesnt make sense, my guess is she trying to stay “on point” with her boss’s position and not rock the boat but instead she comes across as a total hypocrite and completely lost me.   Sorry Bay but I dont buy your stance, how can you be so biased.  Its really sickening.  Oh and not buying your book your hawkin either!!

  • Adeniyi Adedoyin

    I think that it will be more reasonable that the federal government grant each state Job creating funds to be distributed to cities in witch there is desperate need for Jobs in that the ratio of job to qualified applicants is mountainous.

    To many individuals, being poor means finding it difficult to take a vehicle on a stroll, instead will take a bike or a walk to save on gas.

    I agree with being a parent, not necessary a friend to ones’ children; based on my reading of the holy book: it dose not seem right to consider an individual in the role of teaching to be a friend, if one dose not seem to be taking note of the individual’s reasoning.

  • RightequalsWrong

    Two words, conservative hypocryte.

  • Heaviest Cat

    more promotion of a conservative agenda on “independent” ,
    public” radio. THis is further borne out by Tom’s reading list.SO much for “all sides of an issue”

  • Heaviest Cat

    Why does everything on NPR range from the conervative to the cornball?

  • Sam Walworth

    Surprising..

    This woman CLAIMS and SPEAKS to be Conservative, yet all the time got the help she champions the Govt Support aka Welfare her political views so just opposes.

  • Give me a break

    Bay Buchanan may have some suggestions for single mothers that have college degrees and had high paying, powerful jobs before getting married. But it is ludicrous to think she suffered to the extent of the typical single mother or that she has anything to offer the vast majority of them.   

    • notafeminista

      Right.  Obviously her experience isn’t authentic.  She didn’t struggle enough.  On the other hand, no degree of struggling would have satisfied the Left if she still drew the same conclusions she’s drawn here.

      The Left doesn’t like successful people.

      • Terry Tree Tree

        Personally, I don’t like hypocrites.  I try not to be one.
           If ‘sucessful people’ got their wealth, by theft, drug-dealing, fraudulent ‘financial instruments’, depriving others of their rights, fraud, racketeering, illegal activities, deceitful practices, embezzeling, or other crimes, WHAT’S TO LIKE?

  • notafeminista

    To RightEqualsWrong below (the thread is becoming unreadable):

    Ever hear of any or all of the following women? (No fair Googling)

    1)Margaret Brent
    2)Madame CJ Parker
    3)Albert Cashier (yes, is a woman)
    4)Ellen Sirleaf Johnson
    5)Jeanne Kirkpatrick

    Any one of those names ring a bell?

    • RightequalsWrong

      (Sigh), you still don’t get it.  You are benefitting from the feminist movement, from the work of women that came before you and proudly claimed the title feminist, and yet your proud declaration that you are not a feminist while directly benefitting from their hard work makes you a hypocrite.  It wasn’t a hard concept the first time around and I really don’t know how to dumb it down any more so that you can wrap your head around it.  

      And no, the left doesn’t hate success, just the daydream and empty rhetoric that all it takes is hard work to be successful as you want to be.  If that were true we’d be stepping over people like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett.    

      • notafeminista

        I’ll take that as a no.   Unfortunate really.

        • notafeminista

          Depends I suppose.  Is success only defined by that which is in our bank account?

          • RightequalsWrong

            Your point?

          • notafeminista

            You really don’t know any of those names at all?  No not a one of them identifies as either a feminist or an anti-feminist.

            Maybe you’d better Google them after all…otherwise you won’t understand the impact and importance – and ultimately the point.

          • notafeminista

            By the by, I saw in earlier posts you invoked the name Stanton (Elizabeth Cady I assume) – you were aware that she and Susan B. were staunchly pro-life?

          • notafeminista

            You haven’t read Helene Cixous either.

          • RightequalsWrong

            Actually I have. Let me ask you this, what about feminism do you not like?

          • notafeminista

            3 reasons:
            1)It is intellectually dishonest

            2)It is redundant

            3)It presumes that somehow women are entitled to more or different rights than men.

          • notafeminista

            I suspect you have not.  You seem unfamiliar with her commentary regarding “woman’s inevitable struggle against conventional man.”

            A struggle against is a not an embracing of.  You wouldn’t have made the comment about perceiving feminism in a narrow man-hating way if you ‘d read that.  Cixous clearly has no use for men.

        • RightequalsWrong

           I assume they are feminist turned anti feminist or some thing like that. Your point? 

          • Terry Tree Tree

            Nota reads more like Rush Limbaugh.

    • RightequalsWrong

      Feminism is a collection of movements aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights for women.[1][2] In addition, feminism seeks to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment. 

      Against this notafeminist?

      • notafeminista

        Yup.

        • RightequalsWrong

          Well, thanks for proving my point about your hypocrisy.  I think we’re done here.

          • notafeminista

            Didn’t read all my responses did you. And you still don’t know who Margaret Brent et al is.

          • RightequalsWrong

            Your list has women who have advanced women’s rights yet you are against women’s rights. That makes you hypocrite!  You are taking Cixous out of context, probably because what she had to say went way over your head.  She rallied against homogentiy and wanted a move to embrace heterogenity — something that INCLUDED MEN — in society and especially in writing.  It is exhausting arguing with people like  you because you live in a fantasy land where everybody is equal and all we have to do is work hard; your lack of logic and reason make even finding a starting place for a debate hopeless, there’s just too much ground to cover and no way to burst the world of fantasy in which you dwell.

          • notafeminista

            Right.  I don’t agree so therefore I must be stupid.  Or alternatively, crazy.  The Left is so predictable.

          • notafeminista

            See?  You didn’t get the point at all.  Truly unfortunate.  You are correct; we are done here.

      • Greyman

        Feminism is also dedicated to ideological commitment–dedication to itself as the intellectual vehicle for pursuit of its political, economic, and social goals. Women thus are required to genuflect or prostrate themselves intellectually to foster and further the ideology “feminism” in its noble quest for equality. Thus, women are not free to manifest strictly “feminine” interests without bonding themselves intellectually to the maternal care of the ideology of feminism. What a convenient way to keep apron strings tied! If women are not permitted to declare independence from the ideology of feminism, the entire age of feminism will have shed paternal balls-and-chains for the freedom provided by maternal balls-and-chains. No, I don’t believe in Progess at all, nay. You should be happy that not all woman are pleased to submit themselves to intellectual slavery.

  • notafeminista

     So, to the commenters at large:  Mr. Tim Geithner, the current US Treasurer, earns approximately 190k a year – which by the way – is less than President Obama’s baseline of 250,000 a year.

    So much for the six figure largesse we assumed Ms. Buchanan was earning.

    • Terry Tree Tree

      190,000 looks SIX figures to me!  HOW did I mis-count?

  • Betsy

    It isn’t often that I have had to turn the radio off during On Point.  This was one of those times. Hearing this woman offer moronic advice to  single moms with real world concerns she seemed to know nothing about was offensive.   When it comes to parenting, everybody’s an expert but most don’t have the gall to write a book and go on talk shows giving advice to others.   

  • http://www.facebook.com/mike.harvison J Michael Harvison

    I wish some one would pay me to write such dribble… She complains about not having money at one time, was she taking in laundry to make some extra money, did she sell a kidney? Rightoes like to ask such questions of truly poor people. Drives me crazy enough to post on this forum…..

ONPOINT
TODAY
Sep 2, 2014
U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., talks with Mark Wilson, event political speaker chairperson, with his wife Elain Chao, former U.S. Secretary of Labor, at the annual Fancy Farm Picnic in Fancy Farm, Ky., Saturday, August 4, 2012. (AP)

Nine weeks counting now to the midterm elections. We’ll look at the key races and the stakes.

Sep 2, 2014
Confederate spymaster Rose O'Neal Greenhow, pictured with her daughter "Little" Rose in Washington, D.C.'s Old Capitol Prison in 1862. (Wikimedia / Creative Commons)

True stories of daring women during the Civil War. Best-selling author Karen Abbott shares their exploits in a new book: “Liar, Temptress, Soldier, Spy.”

RECENT
SHOWS
Sep 1, 2014
Pittsburgh Steelers outside linebacker Jarvis Jones (95) recovers a fumble by Carolina Panthers quarterback Derek Anderson (3) in the second quarter of the NFL preseason football game on Thursday, Aug. 28, 2014 in Pittsburgh. (AP)

One outspoken fan’s reluctant manifesto against football, and the big push to reform the game.

 
Sep 1, 2014
This Friday, Aug. 22, 2014 photo shows a mural in in the Pullman neighborhood of Chicago dedicated to the history of the Pullman railcar company and the significance for its place in revolutionizing the railroad industry and its contributions to the African-American labor movement. (AP)

On Labor Day, we’ll check in on the American labor force, with labor activist Van Jones, and more.

On Point Blog
On Point Blog
Our Week In The Web: August 29, 2014
Friday, Aug 29, 2014

On hypothetical questions, Beyoncé and the unending flow of social media.

More »
Comment
 
Drew Bledsoe Is Scoring Touchdowns (In The Vineyards)
Thursday, Aug 28, 2014

Football great — and vineyard owner — Drew Bledsoe talks wine, onions and the weird way they intersect sometimes in Walla Walla, Washington.

More »
Comment
 
Poutine Whoppers? Why Burger King Is Bailing Out For Canada
Tuesday, Aug 26, 2014

Why is Burger King buying a Canadian coffee and doughnut chain? (We’ll give you a hint: tax rates).

More »
1 Comment