What no middle aged women with wild and crazy pasts! Or young women living the life right now!
I’ll semi-celebrate my 40th reunion at Harvard in a couple of days. I was in NYC at about the same time as Mr. Bogosian. I’ve definitely been looking back–with regret and nostalgia and head-shaking wonder.
Now all I need is an amazing woman who will make me “do the work.”
In short, I’ll buy the book.

Dear, dear Verna. When you first called in, I thought, ahhh, a woman called in with just the remark I would like to make. Then Tom asked you a question, and your response was SO real (and so identical to my own parellel situation), that tears started flowing down my cheeks. This IS so real.

I believe I am much older than you are, however; and I did want to share something I learned probably a DECADE after getting divorced. It is POSSIBLE that your husband may have either Attention Deficit Disorder (the kind WITHOUT hyperactivity & thus harder to diagnose) and/or extremely mild & high-functioning Asperger’s Syndrome (itself a high-functioning form of Autism). I knew nothing about ADD while we were married & had never even HEARD of Asperger’s when a psychiatrist (the full M.D. kind) suggested it might explain the trajectory of our story. BOTH ADD and Asperger’s really happen at the most basic level of BRAIN functioning — they are NOT a matter of will. BOTH can be hard to detect BECAUSE the person with those conditions can HYPER-FUNCTION BRILLIANTLY in areas that society values HIGHLY.

Altho neither condition is a matter of will, GOOD counseling CAN help the person learn to RECOGNIZE their condition and learn certain behavior changes to make in life to expand outwards from their basic mental stance, which CAN be a stance of strength (hence the high functioning as an artist, computer genius, etc., etc.) It can also help loved ones understand when the ADD/Asperger’s is speaking and when it’s the person speaking.

I believe our ADULT child may ALSO have both ADD and Asperger’s (especially our offspring’s tendency to follow the wrong people — possibly an expression of the social learning disorder that can accompany Asperger’s). I bring this up NOT to further put hurt into your life, but to say this: even tho you are divorced, learn about both ADD and Asperger’s so that YOU can identify if your children inherited the condition/strength/maddeningly-hurtful-difference-for-those-closest. IF your children inherit either of these, GET HELP FROM A MENTAL HEALTH WORKER WHO IS COMPETENT TO RECOGNIZE AND TEACH SKILLS TO EVERYONE IN THE HOUSEHOLD. IF caught early, the child will feel less, or NO, stigma. We were not told about the possibility of Asperger’s until our daughter was already 24. She is too stubborn to get help with her ADD (& I don’t mean meds; but recognition skills); and, because of her age, I do NOT have the heart to tell her about the Asperger’s. You do NOT want that to happen!!! Early intervention is SO preferable.

I too am SAD, as you said. But I am also angry & resentful: NOT at my former husband or adult child, but at all the COUNSELORS I sought out for YEARS, virtually spelling out the diagnosis from MY observations; yet NO PROFESSIONAL gave my list of symptoms & behaviors A NAME until the psychiatrist did. I have learned that sometimes an alias for “artist” is “ADD” or “Asperger’s”. This might NOT apply in your case, but LEARN about both conditions so that IF your children inherit the condition/gift/whatever, YOU WILL KNOW what kind of counseling to seek out — and then just make sure the counselor is ADEQUATE TO THE TASK!! My heart is with you!

Verna, Thanks for YOUR thank you! AND, if neither of the two diagnoses apply within your family, by learning more about it, you may be able to suggest to a friend that THEY look into it regarding THEIR family. Especially since you have such young kids, you ARE likely to see either ADD or Asperger’s as your kids community of friends expands with schooling. The way that you spoke & wrote suggests that you are a very caring and thoughtful person. You will always have that WITHIN you! My very best! Christina

Like all the other people, this interview has really struck a nerve in me. When I was a a kid, I dreamt about getting out of dead end (no offense) West Virginia life and going to college in New York City. Althought the son of a black smith and a nurse, I never belonged there or in the south in general. My social life reflected that. So I applied to a prestigious engineering school called Brooklyn Polytechnic University. I recieved a full tuition scolarship, and when i walked out of Penn Station, with the bustle and vibrancy, I thought to myself, “I’m finally home.” What i didn’t realize at the time is that i took my alcoholism with me. I didn’t know I was an alcoholic at the time, in fact in high school, I used to joke that “So what if i’m an alcoholic, i’m succeeding. That’s like a guy with a broken leg winning a marathon.” It’s not funny anymore, but that’s another story. I dormed at LIU, and I felt like i was greated with open arms. I found people who liked to party, but talk thoughtfully about things other than nascar and the cow they tipped the night before. In West Virginia, I had superficial relationships: was never really thought of to invite to a party, but when I showed up I was the life of the party. In New York, I found people who actually would want me around. Anyway, I didn’t realize until many years later that I had selected a wide range of friends, so that on any given day, there was someone who didn’t have to go to class the next morning, and wanted to party. To make a long story short (too late), ok, a longer story short, I drank myself out of a scholarship and New York and ended up back in WV. NYC was just too much fun for a hillbilly from Appalachia. I’m 34 now, making 10 bucks an hour as a cook in a two stoplight town in Virginia, when I could have contibuted to the world. I am full of regret. Being a catholic doesn’t help. You may think I’m too young, but it’s never too early to look back and take stock. In step 4 and 10, it’s called taking inventory and continously taking inventory, respectively. And I don’t think it wastes time, you can do it in the shower, brushing your teeth, or driving to work (or walking to work, I don’t trust myself to own a car.) And as far as anger and resentment are concerned, I am filled with both, but I don’t think it’s born within me, although I am bipolar, but I tend to react, not start. My anger and resentment is totally focused on myself, not the universe. I failed at life.

Sorry to be so wordy, but I hope it brings me some catharsis.
(love your show btw)

Incredible timing on the airing of this show. I’ll be 59, FIFTY NINE, this July, and in many ways, I’m feeling better than I ever did. Like Eric was saying, the things that seemed so critical in my 20s and 30s in perspective become flecks of dust.

But in my 20s, and early 30s, I followed my bliss. One might say it was an erratic life, and I sometimes think that some cosmic schema was at work whereby I marvel that I am still alive today.

But I gathered experiences. I met remarkable people. I found myself in the front rows of some definitely historical events.

And then, mid 30s, I quickly shifted from edge mode to a lower risk existence, going back to school, getting married and having kids. (I think becoming a father was the best thing I ever did.)

But, as of a few years ago, with the final pounds of flesh from the divorce paid in full, and with both my kids in college (which I’m helping to pay), I started to feel that a return to a central quest of my 20s and early 30s was in order. I moved from CT to the Boston area for a return to a cosmopolitan environment, I started writing my autobiography and have been composing (laptop, midi, bass, guitar)

So I’m still struggling to not get too disgruntled at having to work 9-5, but if I can maintain that balance, (or figure out how to get a grant or an advance or find an angel) my younger guy has 2 more years to go.

It’s the quest for significance, and I remain optimistic that I’ll be able to fully indulge once again.

Thanks for the show, Tom and Eric, and I will read Eric’s latest.

Harry